Finding Purpose in Dark Times

Most of us have more on our plates than we can possibly deal with right now. On top of being in personal survival mode, we are surrounded by pressing global issues that, quite honestly, we probably feel compelled to do something about. A terrifyingly critical presidential election is less than two months away. Long-standing issues of racial justice are at a tipping point. Much of the country is literally on fire. It sort of feels like we are in the chokehold of the immediate needs of our family, while simultaneously drowning in the swirling sea of disaster that has become our world these past six months.

How are people staying afloat with their own personal responsibilities in these times? And how can we muster the emotional composure to do anything for society when our own families are barely hanging on? 

I feel that the only way to muddle through this mess is by intentionally finding ways we as people still have purpose. We have lost so much. Some have lost their jobs, while others have lost the ability to physically go to their workplace. Many of us are working from home under the heavy distraction of kids and are unable to do our jobs to our most productive capacity. 

We have lost many of the small things that bring us joy day to day, week to week. Eating out, vacationing, weekend excursions with the kids, getting outside where and when we want to, seeing friends and family.

Most of all, those of us who were under a false pretense of overall security have lost the feeling that the world is generally a safe place for us. Our health, our careers, our ability to move about freely – these are no longer a sure thing. The sense that our government will do right by us, or at the very least prevent the country from plummeting into abject disaster, has been stripped of us.

Daily life is a slog right now, particularly for parents with young kids at home. And around us the world is burning down. Finding your purpose in all of this is critical to keeping hope alive. I say finding your purpose because this is very personal work. I have found that it takes persistence, reflection and creativity. We have to reimagine the ways that our lives have value right now, because that sense of value may not be coming from the same places it was six months ago.

To be honest, I had not even realized that I had lost my feeling of purpose. I have been so busy rushing around – rushing through work, rushing my kids through meals, bathtime, bedtime – that I failed to notice the past six months of my life have consisted of precisely that. Rushing through my day, to another day that looks exactly the same. As I realized this in bed last night, I was forced to ask myself: what purpose does my life have right now? What am I enjoying about this?

The good news is that in having our lives completely disrupted, there are a million opportunities to discover value and purpose in unexpected places. But it does take intention to find them.

The physical and emotional energy to pursue our mid and long-range goals may be lacking presently. When we give ourselves permission to relax our ambitions and productivity for a time, it can help us release some of the pressure. If you are like me, however, anxiety may actually be at its highest when you are not feeling a sense of forward progress. Staying connected to your life ambitions, even in the tiniest of ways, may be what some of us need to feel good about ourselves.

I have fallen in love with setting ridiculously easy goals. This may not be the path towards grand achievement, but it has been helping me stay engaged with my long-term dreams and feel a sense of accomplishment on a daily basis. I intentionally set goals that are below my potential capacity, because the truth is right now I am not functioning at full capacity. My energy is running lower and my moods are swinging more wildly. I still strive to pursue purposeful goals aligned to my biggest life dreams, but the daily actions I set for myself are manageable enough that I can do them on my best and worst of days. 

Another strategy we can be more intentional about is recognizing all the small and big ways we are contributing to others in each area of life, such as within our own family or in our workplace. Our worlds have shrunk, in that we have less contact with others and less experiences beyond the wall of our own homes. These limitations can cause us to feel that nothing important is happening in our lives. If we reflect on this idea, however, it is in fact the opposite. Most likely, we are now forced to focus much of our time and energy on the people and areas of our life that actually matter most: our immediate family and ourselves. 

There is nothing easy or inherently enjoyable about this. Mothers especially know the burden of having a child attached to them for days, weeks, months on end without a break. Being followed to the bathroom, touched and grabbed at constantly, talked at incessantly. It is not easy, we all know this. But there is another way to experience the situation, if we dig deep. We can lean into this phase, the time and space that we have been afforded to be with our children, that would not have existed had it not been for the pandemic.

I realize this is a generalization, as situations differ. Some may feel they have less quality time with their children due to work demands. I also realize what I have just said absolutely will not resonate with everyone. It is not my intention to tell any parent they should simply feel happy about their current living situation, and I recognize many are being pushed to their breaking point.

What I am trying to say is that, for some of us, it can help to pause and reconsider the benefits of this upended existence. We can at least attempt to lean into our daily life – the time with our immediate family, the meals made at home. We can look for purpose in the mundane, recognize how we are contributing to the health and well-being of our families in the context of plain-old daily life. Even if, and especially if, daily life just looks like… survival. 

I am realizing that we rely on exciting experiences to bring us feelings of joy or fulfillment. During this pandemic, we may need to seek out positive feelings or fulfilling moments from our mundane, daily routine.

Beyond a more reflective outlook on our personal lives, I think it is important during these times to find meaningful ways to engage with our world, which is truly a dumpster pile currently. I recommend taking a moment to identify one or two issues that are causing you the most grief and then research something concrete you can do about them.

In theory, it sounds ridiculous to advise anyone to add more to their plate. Parents are managing their household, career, distance learning and five thousand other major responsibilities daily. To suggest that we should also be political activists, charity volunteers or fundraising organizers on top of it all may be absurd. However, I realize now more than ever before, that we can and will make time for what we care about. We all have the same 24 hours in the day. 

So when it comes to the idea of finding purpose in this current phase of life,  the key is really to identify what you care about, research your options, reflect and make personal decisions. For some, that decision may be that they absolutely cannot manage a single extra thing beyond staying afloat as a working mom. For others, it may be as simple as choosing a charity to donate to each month. Some whose interest in the fight for racial justice was sparked last spring may recommit to personal education by listening to a podcast every day while folding laundry.

Some engagement in world issues requires time, some requires restructuring of time, some requires money, some requires little more than awareness or reflection. I have been enjoying finding new and creative ways to engage in social causes, researching unique organizations to donate to, and talking with friends about how to get involved in the election. Despite being busier than ever, this tiny sense of contribution is rewarding enough to motivate me to invest in it.

Finally, I want to add that there is always purpose in life, no matter what is happening. I have talked about finding joy and meaning from simple daily life, as well as creating opportunities to contribute to the world beyond yourself. But even when you struggle to do either of those, whether for a day or for a few weeks, you and your life are still worthy. There are times when completely letting go of a productivity and meaning-seeking mindset is the healthiest choice. We have to accept wherever we are on this bizarre journey through pandemic-election-motherhood-natural disaster hell. 

The phrase “You are enough” has never resonated much with me. I knew what it meant, but I just could not grasp its significance. It seemed too general and too cliche. It is finally starting to hit me. Simple and overused as it may be, it really is an important concept to lean into. Our lives have value, whether we are currently working or not. Our lives have value, whether we take a vacation or not. Our lives have value, whether we can take our kids to the park or not. Our lives have value, whether our business is succeeding or not. Our lives have value, whether we worked out this week or not. Our lives have value, whether we read a book this month or not. Our lives have value, whether we achieved our goals this year or not. Our lives are meaningful. We are inherently worthy. 

At least for the time being, try to let go of the idea that you must fill every day with something meaningful, and instead recognize that every day of your life already is meaningful.