No Advice

Let’s get right into it, because it’s 9:55 on a work night and my 7-month-old will be crying for me at any moment now. Listen up, moms. First time moms and seasoned veterans. I’m about to give you some really good advice. Here it is: You do not need to take anyone’s advice. 

I realize you’ve heard this before in some form or another. But let’s break it down. Let’s really get into this topic. I find it helps me tremendously to get specific, detailed and concrete when I’m dealing with a helpful nugget of wisdom that I think I “already know.”

You do not need to take anyone’s advice that does not apply to your life.

A very optimistic point-of-view clicked in my head last week about our modern, anxiety-ridden society. Anxiety is often a sign of privilege. We wouldn’t have the opportunity to worry about the types of things we worry about were it not for our extreme privilege. When we have all our basic needs met, living in a world of modern conveniences, we are afforded the opportunity to ask ourselves such questions as: “Am I happy?” “How can I live the most fulfilling life possible?” “Am I preparing my children for a magnificent future?”

As moms, we are able to concern ourselves with obsessive questions about our children’s education and nutrition and extracurricular activities. Do I read to my infant enough? Which preschool is the best in my area? Should I be introducing more art projects to my toddler?

We are lucky we get to ask these questions. The fact that the internet is flooded with people telling us how to live our lives right and people seeking information on how to live their lives right is merely a reflection of our human desire to be the best we can. This is a good thing.

Where it becomes dangerous is when we no longer trust our own ability to make choices for our own lives. This is the pitfall of having constant access to millions of other people’s opinions at our fingertips.

When I was in high school I used to approach my school assignments in the following way. I would sit at home at my kitchen table, by myself, and read the instructions. Often I would have questions, doubts or confusion about how to complete the activity or what the teacher expected exactly. So I’d read the instructions again, and then I’d think. I’d come to a conclusion about what was being asked of me based on the information at hand and my own logical reasoning. Then I’d put my head down and get at it, producing my very best work. It generally turned out quite well for me. 

Just a few years later, social media exploded. In graduate school I found myself following an entirely different system. I would start an assignment, and in that inevitable moment of doubt, I would immediately jump on our cohort Facebook page to consult with my classmates. I no longer relied on my own ability to figure it out on my own.

I’m not saying this is inherently negative. The opportunity to ask questions, collaborate and share ideas in real time is one of the great benefits of technology and social media. But the point is, most of us live in a reality where the moment we feel any kind of uncertainty, we turn to see what everyone else is doing. As moms, we jump online to research, we ask a question in a mom forum, or we text a friend for input. We have formed a dangerous habit of looking to others for advice and reassurance rather than simply grappling with this doubt, thinking, and making a choice for ourselves.

I’m very, very bad at many, many things. But one area I feel I’ve excelled at as a mother is not taking any expert recommendations, family or friend advice, blog opinions or any other outside noise about parenting too seriously. I do read articles, research information, ask the pediatrician questions and participate in a few moms’ groups on Facebook. But, for some reason, I’ve managed to take it all with a grain of salt… for the most part. 

Certain topics are hot-button issues for me. Every time I see an article on how screen time and social media are destroying the mental health of children, I feel a tiny panic attack deep inside me. My son watches TV, and he watches more than the expert recommended amount. I work with middle-schoolers, and I see the anxiety epidemic first-hand on a daily basis. I absolutely fear this outcome for my own children and want to protect them.

Here’s the thing, though. The endless articles about technology demolishing children’s mental health… those articles don’t serve me. I am already aware of the issue. It’s already something I’m reflective about. The reality is that my son is 3-and-a-half, and he watches TV every day while he eats his meals. He’s also happy and healthy. I have a clear vision of the type of children I want to raise. My children will be resilient. I will actively and explicitly teach them strategies to combat negative thoughts and anxiety. We do and will practice gratitude as a family. The rigid, one-size-fits-all guidelines for screen time limits and the terror-inducing psychology studies about the evils of social media are not relevant or helpful at this point in time to me and my family. Reading them and quivering over them in bed late at night does not offer me solutions or improved quality of life. 

Some parenting advice, moreover, is just stupid. Unfortunately, when you’re a sleep-deprived first-time mom, the most ridiculous suggestions sometimes sound genius. With my first-born, I attended a mom group for the first four months. At one session, the nurse who led the group suggested that in order to start instilling the concept of consent, before changing our baby we should say, “I’m going to touch you now.” Maybe those weren’t her exact words, but they were no less bizarre, whatever they were. At the time I was thinking, “Oh, that makes sense. Very insightful. Very progressive.” Only after I re-gained the privilege of sleeping longer than 3-hour stretches did my brain cells finally register that this “professional” recommendation was just plain dumb. 

New moms: Please feel free to change your baby’s diaper at any time it’s soiled with pee-pee or poopy. (Yes, I’m giving you more advice). No need to ask for consent. First of all, babies can’t talk, as my 3.5 year old reminds me whenever I ask his little sister questions. Besides, what are you gonna do if your baby says “no?,” a friend of mine asked when we were laughing about the incident last weekend. Seeing as how “NO” is pretty much the only response you get when you make a request of children aged one through about four. 

But in all seriousness, as parents in the 21st Century, we must regain the confidence in our ability to make sound choices for our family. We have to tune out some of the noise. I come back to the memory of myself alone at the kitchen table, hunched over my homework in deep concentration. My mom recounts that I would stare at my paper for a long while, look up at the ceiling, grunt or groan, hem and haw… and at some point, the lightbulb would go on! “Oh yeah!” I’d exclaim suddenly, and then I’d start writing in a frenzy, humming joyfully. 

This is how we need to approach our lives and motherhood. By all means, read the articles, consult the experts and collaborate with other moms for ideas. But ultimately, you are the one who will decide how to do it. Don’t feel like you need to take anyone’s advice that doesn’t apply to your family, in your situation. Put your brain on the issue. You will know the right move to make.