Pandemic Mental Reset

Several years ago I heard financial business leader Ed Mylett say this to me from my car stereo: “Worrying makes you live through a negative experience that hasn’t even happened yet.” 

This quote hit me hard tonight when I found myself in a pathetic heap, sobbing into my pillow, over a text message that I completely misread. A friend had messaged me some bad news about the school re-opening plans in her district, and I mistakenly thought she was talking about my district. I was already in such a state of nerves that I automatically assumed the worst upon seeing her text. One minute later, I realized what was actually happening, immediately stopped crying and took a shower feeling slightly amused and only slightly like a crazy person.

Thoughts are physical, and they create real emotions. Every teacher and every parent I know is currently a nervous wreck as we ponder the various back-to-school scenarios that may play out this fall. A mom with multiple extreme health conditions asked in a Facebook mommy group if she should send her son to preschool this fall, terrified of dying from COVID but also wracked with worry over the possibility of her kid “falling behind socially.” Teachers are buying every make and model of mask and shield, ordering scrubs instead of shopping for clothes and remodeling their basements into home classrooms. 

In this particular circumstance, we are worrying over an experience that is, indeed, very real and is absolutely coming. Worrying is a completely normal and valid human reaction to a global pandemic. I have spent the past two weeks swinging between summer vacation mode and panic mode. It is quite a strange reality to be frolicking with two beautiful children in the yard, blowing bubbles, walking nature trails, laying by the pool and eating ice cream, all the while battling a tiny anxiety attack in the pit of my stomach.

It has been a solid two weeks, and now it is time for me to stop worrying. There are still many unknowns about what this new school year holds for me as a teacher and mother, however the one thing I can control is my own mindset. I brainstormed eight strategies to help myself reset and mentally prepare for the next phase of the pandemic.

1. Strive for weekly, not daily, balance. 

I understand that “balance” is a word that aggravates many people nowadays. It presumes that busy moms should be able to “do it all” while avoiding stress and exhaustion. My idea of balance is striving to tend to the priorities in life that are important to you, the best you can. Key word – *striving* (not necessarily achieving). 

When I was on maternity leave with my second child, I found that no matter how hard I worked or how organized I was, I could never structure my day in such a way that allowed me to accomplish everything on my priority list. When I took time to get outside with the kids, I lost the window to get a workout in. If I stayed up late to write, I sacrificed sleep. 

Then a very simple thought occurred to me. If I just looked at balancing my life in weekly chunks of time, instead of daily, it suddenly became possible to do everything I needed and wanted to accomplish. 

This revelation is not rocket science, but often a tiny shift in the way we view something can make all the difference. I kept this weekly vs. daily lens during the spring trimester of last school year, and it helped me integrate top priorities into my routine while working remotely without childcare. Some days I let my four-year-old watch a little more T.V. while I graded student projects; other days we spent the entire morning baking together. Most nights I spent catching up on work, but every few days I abandoned work duties and wrote a blog post. 

As you can imagine, there is no semblance of “balance” in this strategy. This approach will not ensure you finish your work each week or get the perfect amount of exercise or average your kids’ screen time to under two hours per day. It will, however, allow you to rotate through and touch base with all your important tasks and activities during the week, while relieving the pressure of doing all of them each day.

2. Do not be a superhero at work.

I consider myself to be a solid teacher, and I love my profession. I care about my students, and I care about doing my best in my career. But in this moment in time, being the best employee is not one of my top priorities. Although we are still waiting for decisions from our district, the most likely scenario is that I will be teaching around 150 students from home with little training in online instruction, while caring for a one-year-old and four-year-old by myself. Most of the moms I know are in similarly impossible situations.

Now is the time for all of us to re-adjust expectations of ourselves. This is easy enough to say and much harder to do, as all the working moms I know hold themselves to an incredibly high standard. To make this a bit more concrete, we should decide ahead of time what is doable and set some specific goals for ourselves related to work and motherhood. For me, because there are so many aspects to teaching, I plan to choose one area to focus in on and be the best I can be in that area. Excelling in one part of our job will help build feelings of confidence and competence, especially when we have to let some things slide in other areas.

3. Avoid comparisons.

Stop comparing your work performance and mothering skills to your pre-pandemic abilities. Stop comparing yourself to colleagues who are in totally different circumstances or stages of life. Stop comparing your real life to the highlight reel of people on social media.

The idea that we can stop comparing ourselves to others is actually a bit ridiculous. If you have eyes and ears, you will inevitably notice what those around you are doing. What we can do, however, is interrupt our inner “chatterbox” (the little voice inside your head that constantly criticizes) with a dose of reality. 

When you find yourself disappointed in yourself for cutting corners on your work, remind yourself why it is necessary to cut corners. Acknowledge that you have children who also need your care and attention, and they are worth whatever work task or detail you had to sacrifice. Assure yourself with truths, whatever those might be for your particular situation. I am not going to be fired over this one detail. The project is not perfect, but it is finished. I am learning to work quickly and efficiently. 

When you see colleagues who are pouring more time into work and pulling off major accomplishments that you cannot possibly match, remind yourself why this is so. You cannot compare yourself to a colleague who is in a totally different situation than you are and expect that you will be able to produce the same results. Your colleagues may have kids who are older and need less constant care. They may have options for childcare or family support that you do not. 

I do a decent job letting go of comparisons to older male teachers with no children in their home. They are the ones who arrive at school before the sun rises and stay late into the evening. What catches me up is when I start looking at other career moms who have similar family responsibilities, yet still seem to be “doing it all” at work. What I have to remind myself is that there are so many factors below the surface that allow people to work and prioritize in different ways. Those who seem to pull off magic at work may be sacrificing attention away from their children that I am not willing to sacrifice. They may be overworking themselves to a point of exhaustion and stress that I have chosen not to. 

The point is, we all work differently. All of us have unique dynamics with our employers, our children, our spouses. Not everyone has the same access to resources such as childcare or family nearby. We all make different choices, have different energy levels and may be in stronger or weaker states of physical or mental health. During a global pandemic is not the time to compare yourself to how someone else is managing career or motherhood. It is a time for all of us to simply do our best.

4. Work toward your dreams at 1%.

I heard this idea on a podcast a few months back, though I do not recall which show or who said it. We have been in survival mode for quite some time, and many of us are stretched thin right now. We are also stuck in an indeterminable bubble of time. It is Groundhog Day, and it has become difficult to envision the future. Yet, all of us have long-term goals and dreams, and it is important to keep hope for the future alive by continuing to work towards those dreams.

The person who said to work towards your dreams at 1% was giving general advice to busy women and mothers who have limited time for new endeavors or personal passions. I love the 1% idea during this period of time especially because it is so doable. Many people are more overworked and overwhelmed than we could have ever imagined. The natural instinct is to push our personal goals to the bottom of the priority list in favor of keeping up with work and keeping our children alive. But no matter how overstretched we are, we can find a way to give 1% to our long-term dreams.

One option could be keeping a journal of your goals or ideas. I follow Rachel Hollis’ “start today” strategy of writing down, everyday, my 10 dreams for the next 10 years along with one action item that will help me move closer to achieving them. Without getting into the boring details of my personal goals, I will say that my daily action item involves the number “one.” I must complete my tiny, self-assigned task exactly one time each day, and it takes less than 30 seconds. This, for me right now, is doable. Because I am able to achieve it every single day, it builds confidence. As my confidence grows, so do my beliefs that I can actually achieve my huge life dreams.

Dreams and goals and habits and forward progress are important during this time, even if we are mostly in survival mode, in order to instill hope into our lives. 

5. Mundane affirmations.

Affirmations usually refer to strong, uplifting statements about ourselves used to build confidence. I made up the concept of “mundane affirmations” a few weeks back when I looked with deep despair one afternoon at the pile of dishes in my kitchen. I told myself, “these dishes will get done.” 

The next night, I was a couple hours into my nightly work after having taken care of the kids all day, and I still had a little ways to go. A physical anxious sensation was spinning in my stomach, the feeling of wanting to be done with something that you just are not done with yet. Like when you still have 15 seconds of squats to go on your workout video. I looked at the clock and told myself, “An hour from now, you will be in bed and this work will be finished.”

This is an obvious strategy, but sometimes the obvious ones are what we need to be reminded of. That is why there are mindfulness apps that tell us to breathe. As if breathing were a brand new concept. I am reminding us that when the mundane household tasks become overwhelming, it can be incredibly powerful to remind ourselves of a simple truth: I will get it done. Literally tell this to yourself out loud. It actually helps. Then take a breath, and get started.

6. Use a power motto.

Power motto is an idea I heard from life coach Sarah Centrella. Similar to an affirmation, it is a short, powerful statement to build yourself up or snap out of a debilitatingly negative headspace. 

You might brainstorm a few and settle on your favorite. Power mottos could include:

I am a competent mother and teacher.

I can figure anything out.

I always find a solution.

I am smart and strong.

My favorite is Susan Jeffer’s phrase from the book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, because it applies to everything in life: I’ll handle it.

Power mottos may sound cheesy but can be incredibly effective. I love the idea of countering unhealthy thinking with the truth. Your power motto should be something about yourself that you know and believe to be true. It gives your brain a dose of reality and confidence, as well as a little push to step up your game and be the best version of yourself. 

7. Find one huge silver lining.

COVID-19 has been been a time of upending, uncertainty and great sacrifice for almost everyone. For some it has brought tragedy, such as the loss of a loved one or despair from financial devastation or mental illness. No one expects those in the midst of tragedy to look for a silver lining. Many of us, however, are dealing more with inconvenience than hardship. We have faced truly difficult challenges, but often from a place of physical and financial comfort. 

For those of us lucky enough to avoid the direct impact of coronavirus but who are still navigating major disruptions to normal life, I believe finding a big silver lining and continuing to focus back on it can be tremendously helpful. Silver linings are not “at leasts.” At least I still have a job. At least my family has remained healthy. At least I have food and shelter.

Those are things to be grateful for, no doubt, but a silver lining is slightly different. Look for something that the pandemic brought into your life that you would not have experienced otherwise. This is not to say that we are grateful for the pandemic, but rather that we are able to identify how this negative situation is happening “for us,” not “to us.” It is the meaning we take away from a negative event. 

My silver lining was being able to stay home with my baby for much of her first year of life instead of being at work. It has been stressful and exhausting working and caring for kids simultaneously. But this gift of time with my children is priceless.

Heading into the new school year and the next phase of the pandemic, my new silver lining will be all the money we are saving on daycare. I have been anticipating teaching remotely while managing two children with an absolute dread in my stomach for weeks. But the other night I started laughing and said to my husband, “You know what? Every time I’m stressed, I’m just going to think about the buckets of money we’re saving on daycare and the huge vacation we’re going to take when this whole thing is over!” Even though I was half-joking, it made me feel so much better about everything.

There are many small blessings to be grateful for, and I also encourage you to identify a major, unexpected silver lining that has come from this situation. Keep circling back to it every time you find yourself falling into the dark hole of self-pity.

8. What are you looking forward to?

Along with a silver lining, identify something you are looking forward to doing once the pandemic has been controlled. A dream vacation? Visiting a family member? A day to yourself with no kids? A great big party with dozens of friends and no masks or social distancing?

Pick something that makes you feel excited and hopeful for the future. This period has felt restrictive, repetitive and isolating. It can feel as though life will never return to normal, but eventually we will be able to resume most of the activities that bring us joy. Visualize where you will go, who will be with you and how it will feel. This strategy is meant to give a spark of hope and help us remember that there is a future beyond our current reality.

I will be practicing these 8 strategies as I attempt to teach Spanish to 150 teenagers though a computer, while my son screams at me: “Mommy, look at my show! Look at my show! LOOK AT MY SHOW!” and my daughter sits in the corner eating paper and onion peels (organic). I, like you, will be doing the best I can. (Stay tuned for my next post “Pandemic Mental Breakdown,” coming soon.) In solidarity!