It’s Really Not So Bad

Ever gotten a whiff of your own pits and realized the B.O. smell is starting to grow on you? Like, it doesn’t smell good exactly, but the combination of sweat and dried newborn spit up just sort of smells… normal. Part of you. 

My family went out a few weeks ago to Red Robin, our first dinner outing since my daughter was born. At some point during the meal I looked around at the other families in there and realized that this is the scene they would see if they happened to glance at me: I’m precariously clutching my 6 week old in one hand, my left breast is partially exposed, and with the other hand I’m stuffing ketchup-ranch fries in my mouth as fast as humanly possible. Crumbs dribble onto my newborn’s head and a few drops of ketchup splat onto her chunky thighs. I feel vaguely disgusting but not enough to stop shoveling the greasy goodness down my throat. You know how it is those first few weeks after the baby is born: Eat what you can, when you can, and however much you can, because you don’t know when the next opportunity’s coming. 

Being a mom means sometimes you’re disgusting. Sometimes you stink. Sometimes you’re embarrassed in public. Mamas, you know the feeling of panic when your toddler reaches to unlock the bathroom stall in Target while you’re mid-stream on the toilet. 

With my first child, I felt a lot of anxiety in those first months, as I’m certain all first-time mothers do. I felt some of that mom resentment that can creep up on us when we haven’t had time to shower, to eat, to get out for a walk, to have 5 minutes of alone time. With my second child, who is just a couple months old now, I’ve felt much less of this anxiety and resentment, and I think that’s because I knew what to expect this time. I adjusted my expectations. 

I’ve noticed a fascinating phenomenon of polar opposites when it comes to moms and modern society. Being a mom is hard, yes, that’s a given. Sometimes it’s damn hard, and moms for sure are superhero rock stars. On one pole, moms don’t get enough credit for all we do, we don’t always have the support we need, and sometimes we don’t have an outlet to share the challenges we go though. In the modern world, there are incredible demands put upon us, from balancing work and motherhood to the pressures of social media to be the perfect mom. So in response to this reality, there seems to be current wave of awareness about how hard motherhood is. This is the other pole. There is a torrent of blogs talking about the woes of motherhood being shared and re-shared on Facebook. When you become a mom, you get inundated with these clashing messages, especially on social media:  Here’s how to be the perfect mom – but, also don’t worry about being the perfect mom. Here’s a detailed chart of your baby’s expected milestones – but, also don’t worry about milestones because each baby’s unique. Breast is best – but, formula’s also cool because you gotta do what works for you, mom. Crazy swinging pendulum.

The other day I ran across a blog on Facebook whose premise was that vacations aren’t really vacations for moms, due to the stress of planning them and then taking care of the children during them. I couldn’t help but just roll my eyes. I mean, I’m glad there’s an outlet for us to get real about motherhood and acknowledge when it’s tough. Solidarity is important. However, maybe the pendulum is swinging too far the other way. It’s like we want to make sure the whole world, and especially men, know how hard motherhood is. I read some of these blogs and think: Is being a mom really so awful? 

I want to acknowledge that as moms we all go through radically different journeys. I don’t want to casually dismiss moms who are facing truly difficult challenges: single moms, moms in poverty, moms dealing with postpartum depression, moms in unhealthy relationships, etc. But for the middle class mama who has a reasonable amount of family support, I wonder if we are spending too much time feeling sorry for ourselves and not enough time finding the humor in motherhood and embracing this time in our lives. 

The brain works in incredible ways. What we spend time thinking about becomes our reality. Our mind subconsciously goes to work each day looking to validate our core beliefs. By focusing so much of our energy on making everyone aware of how hard motherhood is, I wonder if we are actually making it harder for ourselves. If we continually feed our brain this message: “Being a mom is hard! Being a mom is hard! Being a mom is hard!”… our brain is going to pick out the daily experiences that validate this belief. What if we make a conscious effort, instead, to focus on what is beautiful and hilarious about motherhood?

By no means do I wish to imply I’ve got the whole mom thing figured out. Writing this is a reminder to myself as much as it is to anyone who reads it. Sometimes I resent the fact that it’s 3:00pm and I haven’t gotten time to shower and the baby has spit up on me 27 times and all the hair that I’m shedding around the house has become tangled around my sweaty, unkempt feet. But I’m trying to train myself to see the humor in these moments. I’m not the victim of some terrible plight just because I have to deal with a little B.O. and vomit for a few hours, for a few weeks, for a couple years. We have a lifetime. A lifetime to do great things, to sleep, to have “me time” and to shower alone. I’m trying to be grateful and ENJOY my kids, because they are just absolutely amazing. 

The other day I was pumping while my three-year-old played next to me with some office supplies. Out of the blue he looked at me and said, “Mommy, I love your outfit!” I was wearing workout shorts covered in spit-up and a two-dollar Walmart tank top. Can I treasure my son the way he treasures me? I’m trying to treasure motherhood.