My Library Scanner Doesn’t Look Like a Gun… I’m White

Today I was walking down the hall of my school with a black library scanner, holding it like a gun. Suddenly it occurred to me that I should hold it differently. I shifted it into the palms of both of my hands, lightly and playfully bouncing it up into the air as I sauntered the rest of the way to the library. My heightened sense of awareness about appearing to hold a weapon surely stemmed from the constant mass shootings and school shootings we hear about on the news. At no moment, however, did I actually believe that someone at my school would think I was carrying a gun. I’m a semi-professionally dressed, young white gal. This is a tiny example of white privilege. 

A few months ago, I went to Big 5 to return some hiking boots. We had purchased them with my husband’s credit card, but for some reason I was the one who ran into the store while hubby stayed in the car with our sleeping toddler. I don’t recall the exact situation, but I know I didn’t have a receipt and didn’t have ID that matched the card with which the items were purchased. I think I had left my wallet at home that day. After I was unable to produce ID, the employees helping me paused for one brief moment, looked at me, then proceeded to process the exchange. It was clear that there was a process they were supposed to follow, but they felt comfortable making an exception. I felt at that moment that my husband, a Hispanic man with an accent, might not have received the same flexibility. It also occurred to me that had I been a black person, they very likely would have required the ID. I was aware that I had walked into the store with no wallet, no receipt and someone else’s credit card feeling confident I’d walk back out having successfully completed the exchange. This is another small example of white privilege. 

This doesn’t mean that I necessarily will get away with these things, or that a black person necessarily won’t get away with them. It means I have a higher probability of passing unhasseled in these situations, simply because I’m white. And that’s quite unfair. Though many things in life aren’t fair, and we all have advantages and disadvantages in certain areas, the idea that someone faces an unequal chance in a mundane, everyday situation due to the color of their skin feels excruciatingly unfair. It is hurtful. And this is why people all over the country continue to “make a big deal out of race.”  

Bill Maher has a hilarious bit on New Rules dealing with White shame. The thing about White privilege is that White people misunderstand the point and think that racism is about them, personally, as individuals. As if you or I, personally, were responsible for hundreds of years of racist systems. This totally misses the point. It’s not our fault; it’s our issue. It’s an issue that every person in the United States is part of, and if you care about the just treatment of all human beings, you will attempt to do something to be part of the solution. 

It starts with awareness and acknowledgement. Being totally open to the idea that there are racist systems in place in our country that oppress some and benefit others. Understanding that these systems affect people of color, they affect your life and they affect your subconscious beliefs. Again, that’s not your fault. It just is. It’s bad, it’s not your fault, and it just is.

I’m going to share a moment of my life in which I was slapped in the face, in real time, by the realization of my own subconscious racism. What appears to be a mundane incident is actually one of the most fascinating moments I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve thought over it many, many times. Here is my quite unextraordinary episode:

When I decided to pursue my Master in Teaching, I attended an informational session at Seattle University to learn about their program. While staring down at a map and wandering around lost, I happened to notice a black man enter the university campus. Seattle U is right in downtown Seattle, so he had come from the city street into the campus. My eyes saw him and my brain registered him as somewhat poorly dressed black man carrying a dingy bag. My brain also registered him as a random guy from downtown who was merely walking through the university campus. I did not realize that my brain thought these things until about 30 seconds later when our lives crossed paths. I was still walking and staring at the map when the man asked me if I needed help. He was friendly; I explained where I was trying to go, he consulted the map and he pointed me in the right direction. We had a brief conversation in which he asked what program I was pursuing and told me what degree he was studying. It was at that exact moment that I became aware of an emotion: surprise. And it was then that I realized that my eyes and brain had misperceived reality. I looked again at the man next to me and saw that he was wearing black pants with a button-down green shirt and carrying an average-looking book bag. Nothing about his appearance was raggedy, dingy, dirty or poor. Yet my brain had perceived otherwise. Despite the fact that this man had entered a university dressed like a student, carrying a book bag, my brain had (albeit subconsciously) gone out of its way to assume that he was not a Seattle U student! I know this because of the feeling of surprise that I felt the moment that I realized he was, indeed, a student.

I could try to make this about something other than race. The man was a little older than the average graduate student, so I could tell myself I had made assumptions based on age. But I know the likely, ugly truth is that my brain saw a black guy and assumed he was not a student. Because my schema, influenced by society, the media and all sorts of institutionalized racism, is that black people are more likely to be raggedy people wandering the streets of Seattle than graduate students. 

Again, this is not about me. It’s not about me being racist. It’s not about me being a bad person for making a subconscious judgement based on race. Feeling guilty brings no benefit to anyone. It’s about being aware. I was able to catch my brain, which has been marinating in the racism of this country since the day it was born, distorting reality. I was then able to consciously feed my brain a new message about black people through an interaction with a kind, helpful, intelligent and personable stranger. Through my subsequent reflection on the incident, I was able to reinforce a new schema that allows for black men to be college students rather than sketchy people from the Seattle ghetto.

This is one thing we can do. Be aware. Train yourself to notice the moments you experience White privilege. Allow yourself to acknowledge the moments when your subconscious racism comes into play. Drop the guilt; it’s not about you. Care about these moments. Reflect on them. It is one tiny step towards “justice for all.”