Grey Area

I realized today that at 33, I’m still learning a very fundamental and obvious truth about human beings. A reality I remember from time to time, then somehow forget and have to re-learn. It’s the fact that people are multi-faceted, good and bad, kind and imperfect. They disappoint. They are hard to figure out. And no one can be categorized, as much as we ache to do so. 

There’s a certain gal I see often in one of my spheres. She’s quite funny and makes me laugh out loud every time we spend time together. She is nice to me, and she thinks my baby is adorable. Last year I found out from a trusted source that she made a racist comment. At that moment, I lost all respect and felt many negative feelings towards her. A few months passed. This week, I learned she took action to help a community member in need. I saw her cry over a loss. We shared more laughs together. The disgust I want to feel is being chipped away. Tonight, thinking about it all, I’m forced to remember that human beings are more than one thing. We’re more than one way, more than one comment, more than one truth. I don’t excuse this person. But I cannot hate her.

Anyone who can remember that people have grey areas relieves themselves of a tremendous burden. The burden of expecting others to be a perfect version of themselves, to never disappoint or offend, to be consistent. 

There’s an episode of Friends in which Rachel’s horridly vain sister decides to become a “baby stylist” to help babies accessorize, minimize their physical flaws and choose more “slimming” clothes. Towards the end of the episode, Rachel comments to her sister: “I kept trying to make you a better person, but you’re already a pretty perfect version of what you are.” In all seriousness though, we constantly try to make the people we love better through nagging and other highly ineffective strategies, and we try to make our acquaintances and co-workers better in our minds. Then, when they don’t live up to the expectations we’ve set for them, we decide to hate them. 

What if we could stop expecting people to be a certain way and appreciate them as they are? I am hardcore guilty of trying to categorize people. I label the people in my life as “generous,” “sincere,” “arrogant.” But the truth is, people are 500 qualities all mixed together. They don’t always act in accordance with their values. They have off days. They screw up. 

The people you thought were so kind and genuine will eventually disappoint you with something they say or do. This does not mean they are not kind and genuine. The flip side is that the people you think are conceited know-it-alls will one day surprise you. They will show you their vulnerability. You’ll learn you share a common core value. You’ll find out they sacrificed something huge to help another human being. 

I’m trying to retrain my brain to take the positive each person has to offer. One of my favorite podcasters, Rachel Hollis, has a great quote: “It takes all kinds of kinds.” I have a friend who is obsessed with animal rights. On a few occasions, I found myself thinking that there are other more important issues to be concerned with. But then I had to hit myself upside my head. Who am I to judge what another person values? Who am I to think that my friend should care about the things that I care about, the same amount and in the same order? Why on earth would I criticize someone for one second for caring about animals? My friend is compassionate, down-to-earth and wears her heart on her sleeve. I’m lucky to know her. 

A supervisor I had a few years back was a master at seeing the good in people. I once sat in an interview process with her. There was just one applicant, and this person showed both strengths and weaknesses. After the interview, while some of us were discussing the candidate’s level of experience related to the position, my principal said this: “Well, they certainly have the heart for the position.” She didn’t mean this in a fluffy way; it was a sincere and powerful statement. The candidate did have the heart for the position. Experience can be gained and skills can be taught, but the heart of a teacher is paramount. We were nitpicking this person’s potential weaknesses, while my principal was looking for their positive qualities. She knew she needed to hire, so she asked, “What are the strengths and attributes that will make this teacher successful in this position at our school?” 

The people in our life aren’t always a perfect fit; they aren’t always the person we would choose if presented with other options. But we don’t always get to choose our family members, our co-workers, or the people we cross paths with in public. Instead of despising their every flaw, can we try to focus in a little more on the positive impact they bring to the spaces we share with them?

I had a colleague a few years back who was quite condescending to me on many occasions. He came across as arrogant, intolerant and harsh. After a frustrating interaction, I would have so many hateful thoughts swarming through my head. Yet, on occasion, I would catch a glimpse of his vulnerability. I’d realize he was incredibly awkward and insecure. He once made a comment at a staff meeting that made me realize he and I were on the same page on an issue that was very near and dear to my heart. He stopped by my classroom at the start of one school year to say hello, and I found myself not just acting friendly but also feeling friendly. I found myself wanting to give him another chance. Because, like others, I too am inconsistent. I too am imperfect. I swing back and forth between disgust and compassion for the same person. I can’t figure out what the difference is between getting walked all over and granting forgiveness. Between taking a stand and giving grace. 

We’re never going to figure out other human beings. Just take a look at yourself. Have you figured yourself out yet? Are you the best version of yourself yet? Do you always agree with how you act, what you say, how you treat others? If the answer is no, then maybe we should give a little grace to the people around us. Because maybe while you’re looking for the good in them, they’ll be looking for the good in you. And wouldn’t that be a pleasant sort of reality.